What we've been doing

Hi,

So it's been more than a while since I last posted in here. So what's going on with me?

Not a whole lot is the short answer.

We still have no babies. I'm still fat but not quite as much. I have actually managed to lose a grand total of 52 pounds since I last posted in here. Most of which I lost with Weight Watchers. We now qualify for IVF on the NHS, and we were actually referred just before Christmas.

I was reading back through some of my old posts, and I was so naive. That girl still had so much hope and optimism. Now that we are actually where we've been wanting to get to, I'm not sure there is any real joy left. It feels like we've been left shattered by all the hard things life has thrown at us.

The oldest sister in law is pregnant again for the third time. My younger sister in law has two now. The second of which was an accident.

I am really extremely mad at the older sister in law right now too. She thought it was appropriate to announce her third pregnancy through a text while my husband and I were at a wedding! She even started the text saying that she hoped we were enjoying our time in Newcastle. Even if she didn't know we were at a wedding, she knew we were away to enjoy ourselves. She knows all about the journey we've been on too. I told hubby to speak to his brother. It took two weeks and a lot of tears to finally convince him to do it, but he did. Then his brother says to me, "Sorry if it made you sad." If it made me sad?! What did you think was going to happen? I was going to jump up and down in joy that in the time it's taken us to just have the opportunity to have one, you're going to have a third? Not to even mention the fact that I saw his wife have information about pregnancy up on her laptop, and she lied to me about it. Whatever. She's on her own now. I will try to forgive her, but I know I'll never forget what she did.

I know I shouldn't dwell on events in the past. There's nothing I can do to change what's happened. In fact, I know there are better things to come for me because God has promised it. I just have to remember that.

Sorry this is such a negative post. I just wish people who know about our journey would use their heads before speaking or writing. I'm down another friend due to infertility, and I'm ok with that. Remember if someone can't support you on your journey, you don't need them in your life. Yes, it's good to have friends, but you don't need ones that cause you to break down instead of building you back up.

God will lead me where I need to go

Not much has happened since the last time I was here which is probably a good thing. Since the last time I was here, I've read through all of my old posts. Quite a few sounded a bit complain-y. I seem to use this blog as a sounding off point rather than an actual record of what I'm going through. I'm hoping to change that because there is so much I have to be thankful for. I am one of the most blessed people in the world. I may not have children (and may never have any), but there are so many things I do have. I have a wonderful husband who treats me like a princess. A job that gives me spending money and allows me to help pay bills where necessary. I have a house to live in and food in my belly. So what do I really have to complain about? God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. He has provided for me in so many different ways. Because of Him, I'm where I am today. One day, I know He will give me a baby too for He knows the deepest desires of my heart. I just need to not worry about anything. 

Recently, I joined a group on Facebook for women who want to be mums but haven't yet due to infertility. The group leader reminded me that all I need to is keep the faith and God will lead us where we need to go. It's true. Both of us (the group leader and I) have husbands that were diagnosed with azoospermia as a result of cancer. The other crazy thing is that she's from Texas too! It could only have been God that lead us to each other. She and I are now friends on Facebook as well (she added me). What are the odds of any of this though? Slim I'm sure. 

Now for a quick update. I've restarted on the weight loss. I'm still doing Weight Watchers. My first week back, I lost 1.5kg. This past week I only lost 300 grams. However, my weight did go down and that's what matters the most. That's almost four pounds in just two weeks which is still good. Plus, this is a new week so who knows what will happen. I could lose five pounds. You just never know. The only One that does is God. He will get me where I need to go. 

It'll be worth it in the end

Another birth announcement. Another pregnancy announcement. It seems like my Facebook feed is always just full of people either announcing their pregnancies or announcing the birth of yet another child. I know I should be content in this time of my life. I have so many blessings that other people would dearly love to have, but I still have an aching spot in my heart. I have a desire to become a mom to my own sweet children, but right now it seems like it's never going to happen.

I know I'm partly to blame for this. I know that if I could just lose the weight, I would be able to be referred back to the RE, and I did really try. I saw the weight falling off, and I was so happy about it. Then, I fell off the wagon. One of my dearest friends came to visit from America, and I didn't think one week could do so much damage when I'd been doing so well previously. I didn't think one week could cause me to completely destroy almost all of the hard work I'd been doing, but it did. In just one week, I gained 3kg (~6.5pounds). In one week! I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw that! You would think that this would quickly get me back into the routine of tracking my food with my Weight Watchers app. You'd be so wrong if you did though! It's over a month later, and I have just started tracking again. I do mean just started again. As in, I started tracking some of the things I ate yesterday while not really tracking everything because the chocolate was so good. Oh well. All I can do is try again today. 

Having said that though. On Wednesday, I had gotten up to 106.2kg. When I weighed myself this morning, I was at 105.1 so I have managed to lose some weight this week. Although, my endocrinologist said that it's normal for weight to fluctuate by as much as a kilo each day so it could mean nothing, but it could also mean everything. It means that tomorrow I could be at 104.something or be back up to 106.something. I'm hoping for the first one. 

My hope for this week is to be back at 103.something by Wednesday. If I can do that, I'll be a happy girl because it'll mean that I'm almost back to where I was before my friend came. I'm not blaming her at all because I could've made different choices if I had really wanted to, but I chose not to. I know what foods I shouldn't be eating and which foods I should. I could've chosen to have some chicken and salad instead of the fish and chips I had. I could've chosen to have water when we went out for dinner instead of the three large lemonades I had. Shoot. I could've chosen water instead of the bottle of wine I had one night. Or the two bottles I had by myself to celebrate the 4th of July. I could've made a lot of different choices, but I didn't. I chose to put those things in my body, and now I'm dealing with the repercussions. I don't regret any of it though. I'm happy I got to spend the time with a very good friend. I'm glad I now have some (fuzzy) memories of a great week with an even better friend. 

The weight that I'm at doesn't bother me. If it wasn't for the fact that I can't have IVF at this weight, I probably wouldn't bother with trying to lose weight at all. I just need to keep reminding myself of my goals. I need to keep reminding myself of where I started and where I'm headed. Yes, I may have been at 106.2 yesterday morning, but I'm down a kilo today. I didn't go back to where I started. I have made improvements, and I have to keep improving. So today instead of the hot dogs I'm currently craving, I'll have some egg noodles and vegetables. Tonight, I'll have some chicken and salad. 

I just have to remember that in the end it'll be so worth it when I'm putting up my pregnancy announcement on Facebook. 

After My First Week

I've just finished my first week here on Weight Watchers on Wednesday. A successful week overall. I managed to lost about 3.5 pounds. Not bad considering I haven't lost any weight in almost a year. I'll take it. :)

I'm really enjoying it. I haven't started changing my eating habits too much. I'm eating what I like and trying to stay within my points. I ate quite a few of my weekly points last week but still managed to lose weight so I'm happy. A successful first week, I think.

One of the other things that I'm doing in addition to WW is I'm posting my goals everywhere I might see them. I have a chalkboard in my bedroom with my April goals and long term goals. I also took a picture and made it the wallpaper on my phone. It might seem a bit overkill, but it reminds me why I'm doing this.

My goals for April are:

• Lose 5 pounds
• Have at least £100 left in current account
• Exercise 3 times a week
• Finish advanced training (at work).

My long term goals are:

• Lose 22kg (approx. 50 pounds)
• Save enough money for my visa (I'm American now living in the UK; husband is British)
• Control my shopping habit (definitely going to try to have shopping as a reward rather than all the time; difficult since I work in a shop)
• Love my husband more.

Some of them may seem silly or pointless, but they are mine. I'm determined to meet all of them. They may not happen as soon as I would hope, but I know they're all achievable.

I also got a Fitbit so hopefully that will help encourage me to meet one of my goals and also get me more active in general. I'm going to pick it up at the post office today before getting my hair cut. I'm not sure what my goal is going to be everyday. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. :)

I hope everyone's week is going great!

Changes are Coming

Well, my oldest sister in law just announced that she's pregnant with her second baby. I'm still trying to figure out how this makes me feel. I'm not even sure if I really am happy for her or not. All I know is that it doesn't seem fair. She's overweight like I am. Our husbands are brothers. There's not much different between our situations except she can have children, and I apparently never will.

It makes me feel mad and bitter and that things just aren't fair. I know life isn't fair. I know that things suck from time to time for everybody, but her life just seems so charmed. She never had issues getting into England despite being American too. She's never had issues getting pregnant. She didn't struggle to get a job after moving here. I had so many problems trying to visit my now husband. She overstayed her visa and was still allowed to come in for two more weeks. I'd only been here for two months, and the border control people almost didn't let me in. She got pregnant on the very first try with her first. My husband and I have been trying for about two years and nothing. She got a job the first month she got here. It took me two years to get a job, and it's only part time.

Now she's pregnant with her second, and it's just so not fair. I really wish I could go back to America. At least then, I'd have my family around me. I'd have the support from them to get through this tough time. Best of all, I'd never have to see either of my sisters-in-law pregnant again.

It might be time for my husband and I to reconsider our situation. I know I need to lose weight in order to get IUI or IVF on the NHS. I know things are going to have to change. Hopefully, I've started to make those changes. The dietician's plan ended up not working for me so I have now joined Weight Watchers. I'm also trying to figure out which Fitbit to get. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. I also found a Zumba class in town on Mondays and Thursdays that I want to join.

My goal is that by the time my sister in law has this baby, I will be on my way to having my own. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. I feel more committed now than ever before. My determination has reawakened, and it's going to happen. I know there are people on my side, and I have faith in myself. I know it's going to happen this year!

Exciting News!

It seems like I'm always saying sorry for not keeping y'all updated. I'm so sorry, but I can't promise that I'll get any better. There wasn't much to update you about anyway, but I do have some exciting news now!

At Gareth's appointment before we went to America back in July, we were told that we should expect a letter from a fertility clinic while we were gone. We didn't receive it so we told his endocrinologist at his last appointment. He said to call if we didn't hear anything in a month. G and I decided that we would wait until the end of October before calling and finding out more. Well, we didn't have to wait that long! Last week we received our letter, and we'll be going to the fertility clinic to find out more about having a baby!  We were supposed to go today, but G couldn't justify taking that much time off since he took last Friday off and yesterday morning for personal reasons. He was able to reschedule it for 6 November! I'm so excited, and I can't wait to find out what Dr. G (the doctor at the clinic) has to say. Dr. S was optimistic, and I hope that Dr. G will be just as optimistic.

I'll try to remember what happens as much as possible. I don't know if anything actually reads this, but I'd love to help anyone out that does. Wish us luck with out appointment!

 Lots of baby dust to all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Annoyances

Not a lot has happened in the last few months, but there are a couple of things that have happened lately that I feel I need to express. They may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but they have really upset me.

I live in England, and one of the most popular channels is the BBC. They recently started showing a new show called In the Club. It's about a group of women who are all pregnant. I feel like the title is exclusionary and doesn't even think about the millions of women who will never get to be or will have difficulties getting "in the club." I haven't watched it, but the basic premise makes me so upset. I refuse to watch it because I'm still hurting from getting the news that I may never have children. I know the BBC isn't intentionally trying to hurt me personally. I just feel it is really insensitive to infertile women.

When I first saw the article in the TV book, I was very upset. I took a pen and scribbled on each of the women's faces. I know it was immature, but I was still dealing with everything. I feel like nobody in my family understands what this is like. My mother-in-law has three boys, the last of which was planned. My oldest sister-in-law got pregnant they first month she tried. My youngest sister-in-law is currently pregnant. It may have taken her two years, but she still got pregnant. My mom had difficulties getting pregnant, but she eventually had two girls. Nobody knows what it is like to be told that your husband is making no sperm, and you're not ovulating.

It hurts my feelings even more when these same people say the most insensitive things. My oldest sister-in-law keeps telling me to get a dog. Whenever I try to talk to her about it, she keeps telling me to get a dog. What good is a dog? I would like to eventually get a dog, but I want a baby more. I want her to be the friend that she was when we first met which was before either of us met our husbands. I feel like she's just brushing me off. I have to listen to all of her stories about her daughter, but I can't share with her that I'm still hurting over the fact that I can't have children, and I probably never will.

I called my mother-in-law yesterday, and she told me stories about my pregnant sister-in-law. Apparently, she's starting to show. I can't say anything though because if I did, it would be rude. I live in England now. I need to perfect my stiff upper lip. At the same time though, I need to be able to tell those closest to me when my feelings have been hurt. I don't want people to hide things from me, but I don't need to be told every last little thing about their children and/or pregnancies.

It's like when P was here. He intentionally avoided telling us anything about N. He was telling J about her, and as soon as I walked up, he stopped. It's the same uncomfortable feeling you get when you walk up to a group of people who were talking about you but then suddenly stop. I felt like screaming, "IT'S OK. YOU CAN TALK ABOUT HER!!!!!!!!!!!" It makes me sad that he felt like he couldn't. He even had a guarded look on his face whenever I would ask a question. She's important to me too. She's my family. I want to know what's going on with her too. It just makes me feel like I'm even more separated from "the club."

I have no idea what to do. Everyone else in my life is growing their families, and I will more than likely not be able to. I have no one who understands, and I feel so alone in this. I have no one to talk to who could remotely understand. What do I do? Most days I can make it through without crying, but every so often, the truth hits me. I will never be "in the club."

Irritated

I am so irritated right now! My brother-in-law P just announced that his wife N is pregnant. He told G and me a couple of weeks ago (that story is a separate post though) so it wasn't a surprise. However, they way he wrote it is what really got to me. He knows about our situation. He knows that we are very likely to never have our own biological children. He seemed very supportive at the time.
Today, I got on Facebook and saw the ultrasound picture that he posted. Along with it he wrote, "P- 1 Natural Selection- 0." I know to most people this doesn't sound like it would be such a big deal, but it actually hurt my heart. I won't ever say anything so unless he reads this, he won't ever know. It just doesn't seem worth it to bring it up. It's not going to change anything. The only thing he could say is, "I wasn't thinking," and "I'm sorry." I don't need an apology. I just need people who know to be more sensitive. I know it won't happen though.
Fertile people just don't understand what it's like to be told you might never have children. No one can understand what it's like to go through infertility unless they themselves are going through it. I guess I just need to develop a thicker skin and spend less time on Facebook.
How do you deal with pregnancy announcements? What do you do when someone says or does something insensitively?

Results and a Plan of Action

Tomorrow will be exactly a month since we learned the results of my husband's semen analysis, and I still haven't discussed it.

We walked into Dr S's office on 7 May 2014, and the doctor immediately turned to G and asked him how he was feeling. G answered that he was feeling ok. He felt the same as he always did. Dr S then went on to explain that he was concerned about the way G was feeling because G's testosterone levels were so low that Dr S was surprised G was able to function. You can imagine the feeling that came over us both at the point. I know I was feeling dread because I knew the semen analysis results would be affected by this result. My gut feeling was correct.

After asking how G felt, Dr S asked if G had collected a full sample including the stuff at the very beginning. G was very adamant that it was a full sample. Dr S then explained that he asked that because there was no evidence of any sperm in his sample! I immediately started asking questions about what our options were. We were told that testosterone supplements were our best options for right now because Dr S's main concern is G's health. It's completely understandable. I did ask questions because I had read that testosterone can lower a man's sperm count. I know that G doesn't have any, but we were still concerned about his fertility. 

So I brought up hCG injections. Dr S said that it is something we can explore more later. G and I are planning to bring it up again at his appointment next week. 

Even though I have PCOS and we know that makes it more difficult, we're hoping there's still a chance I might get pregnant if we do the hCG injections. We know it might not give him a normal sperm count, but it only takes one.

While we're trying naturally, I'll still be working on getting my PCOS under control. We're hoping that next year, we'll be able to undergo IVF if we haven't gotten pregnant yet. I'm still trying to lose weight and eat right. I've been to the dietician, and I've been trying to do what she tells me to do. Some days are more successful than others. I've definitely seen improvement, and things can only get better. We still have hope!

My Husband's Semen Analysis

Last time, I promised I would write about my husband's semen analysis. I know we went in not really knowing what to expect. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

My husband was referred for a semen analysis (SA) by his endocrinologist. G was originally seeing Dr S as a yearly check up that he's had since he was first diagnosed with cancer back in 1985. While at the appointment, we explained to Dr S that we had been trying to have a baby for almost a year. He recommended that we have an SA, and we made the appointment about a month later. I really procrastinated on that. I didn't want more bad news.

Anyway, I made the appointment for 24 April. We had to be there by 9:00am. That sounds really great until you realise that we're about an hour and a half away from the hospital with normal morning traffic. We knew that we needed to leave no later than 7:30am. We also knew that because it would take us so long to get to the hospital, we knew that G would have to do his stuff at the hospital. This is because they will not take any semen to be tested for fertility if it was not collected within an hour of ejaculation. Fortunately, we were able to find a single person toilet for him to carry out his business since Lincoln Hospital does not provide rooms for men to do that.

Once there and after G had finished his part, we dropped it off at the sample collections counter. They asked for some information, and we left. We only had to wait about a week or two before we found out the results.

The time in the hospital did not take long, and it was not what I anticipated. I didn't really know what to expect so I hope this helps someone out there. Please just remember that this was done on the NHS in England.

I was not able to get a picture for today, but I will get G to take one soon.

Where Has the Time Gone?

Sorry for being away for so long. I meant to keep writing every couple of days, but life just got in the way. Our computer broke, and it took us almost a month to get the new one. I hope it continues to work.

There is so much to tell all of you. I don't know if anyone is actually reading this, but I'm going to write anyway.

On April 23rd, I was officially diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). I had kind of self-diagnosed this already, but that made it no easier to hear. I remember talking to the doctor, but I have no idea what was actually said, and the only thing I took away from that meeting was that I would be referred to a dietician in order to lose weight. I couldn't think of any questions for that day. I don't meet with the gynaecologist again until I've lost the necessary weight. Fortunately, G and I are thinking in small bits right now. The only bad thing is the PCOS makes it so hard to lose weight. I didn't want to try any supplements, but I'm definitely going to. I'll tell all of you about my experience with them on another day.

People always say to take someone with you when you might be hearing bad news so G went with me to the doctor that day, but he was no help. He remembered even less than I did. Is that a typically man thing? I don't really know.

The doctor said that I need to lose about 12 kg before she'll put me on any kind of medication. I'm not sure what the reason behind that is, but I'm going to do what she says. I've been working out everyday for at least 35 minutes. I've been doing the Biggest Loser Yoga for Weight Loss DVD. It definitely kicked my butt the very first time I did it! I've noticed a few changes, and I'm going to keep it up. It's only a six week programme, but I'm hoping to get a few more work out DVDs by that time. If I remember correctly, it does have a maintenance portion. If I get to that part, I'll be sure to do that with some extra cardio. So far, G and I go for walks when he gets home from work. He's been driving a lot (despite the beautiful weather) so he needs some extra exercise as well.

I know this blog is supposed to be about our adventures in trying to have a baby, and it will be. For right now though, I think it will be more about my journey in weight loss. I'm hoping to be able to post a picture of myself within the next couple of days. I'll post my beginning weight, and I'll keep everyone updated. Wish me luck on this new journey to meet my definitely baby!

The next post will be about G's semen analysis and results. I said a lot happened in the last few weeks!

What's Going On?

I'm so sorry for the lack of posts. I really wanted to post every couple of days, but my computer has been down for almost the last week. I'm not comfortable writing on my mobile because I sometimes have a lot to say. So what's been going on in the last week?
Well, two days ago I finally made an appointment for G to have his semen analysis done. I'm not sure why I've put it off for so long. He saw the doctor almost a month ago and was told to make it asap. I have a few theories for why I put it off though. One of them is that I'm scared to know the reasons why we aren't getting pregnant. If I don't know 100% if G is making sperm or not then I don't have to deal with the consequences. As long as I don't know, I can pretend everything is fine. We can keep doing what we're doing. If we find out G isn't making sperm then I know that we'll never pass on his genes. That scares me. G is one of the most wonderful men I have ever met. He deserves to have a little mini G, but he might never get that opportunity.
The second theory is that if G is making sperm, that means the problem is me. I already know that I am at least contributing to the problem since I haven't had a period in almost three months, but it would be all my fault. The blame for me not getting pregnant would be me. It would mean that I would never be pregnant, and I would never have biological children. To me, that would be the very worst thing in the world. Obviously, I know that there are much worse things out there, but not for me. If I weren't able to get pregnant, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Ever since I was a little girl, I always dreamed about being pregnant and having kids. I have always wanted to be surrounded by children, and I don't even want to imagine my life without kids in it. I have always had children in my life in some form, and I always want them in my life. I can't have it be all my fault.
Something else that's been happening is that I finished reading the book It Starts with the Egg by Rebecca Fett. It was actually quite interesting. It was all about how to make your eggs better in order to increase your chances of getting pregnant either naturally or through IVF. It talked about reducing your exposure to BPA, phthalates, and other toxins while at the same talking about taking vitamins and supplements. All of the information was taken from over 500 studies from around the world. It was really interesting, and I learned a lot. I'll write a proper review of it soon.
We saw my brother in law, sister in law, and niece this weekend. That was fun! My sister in law and I met when we did a semester in England, and we went on a trip through memory lane. It was nice to be able to spend time together without my niece. As much as I love her, it was great to spend time with my sister in law. We also got  to finalise plans for Easter. We're going to visit our parents in law and our other brother and sister in law. They live in pretty much the same town so we're all going to go down there. I'm not sure if we're going in the same car or not (apparently babies need a lot of stuff), but we still have a couple of weeks to figure out all the small details like that. G keeps telling me we don't have to go, but I know we do. My mother in law would be so hurt if we didn't go down so we must go. I can't be the bad daughter in law. I know I'm the least favourite so I have to try harder than the other two. At least, I'm the favourite with my father in law. He really likes spending time with me which is kind of nice.
We also worked in the garden. I might start writing some posts about what's going on in my garden.I can post lots of pictures and tell you what I'm doing. I may not be able to grow a baby (yet), but I can grow some broccoli!
I've also been working on a new blanket for Maybe. I learned how to crochet almost two years ago, and I haven't really put my hook down since. I might share some of my crochet stuff too. There's usually something going on there.
Well, I think that's enough for now. What have you all been doing?

Fort Hood Shooting

When I woke up this morning, the first thing I did was get on Facebook. All over my news feed was about something happening on Fort Hood. I was born and raised in the Fort Hood area. My dad was in the Army for over 20 years, and I was your typical Army brat. I finally scrolled down enough on my mobile and saw that there had been another shooting. I immediately got out of bed and went downstairs where G was already watching the news. I asked him if they had done the world news yet, and he told me more about the shooting. I couldn't believe it when he told me that three more of our US soldiers had been killed and sixteen have been injured. It brought back memories of when I was at uni and there was the first shooting at Fort Hood. I couldn't believe that it had happened again! I'm still in shock over this. I haven't been able to talk to anybody from back home yet to see if they're ok. I know my sister and brother-in-law should be. Neither of them have any reason to be on Fort Hood anymore. My mom might have been there, but I don't know.
When the first shooting happened, my mom was supposed to be on Fort Hood that day for a doctor's appointment. Fortunately, it was cancelled at the last minute. I don't know where she might have been yesterday. I did get an email from her last night, though, so I hope that means she's ok. It was at around 2am when she sent it so she should be fine.
Being so far away from family during times like this can be so difficult. This isn't the first time that something serious has happened while I've been living in England. It isn't even the most serious, but it is still scary all the same.
Has something serious ever happened while you've been away from family or friends who are like family? How did you handle being so far away?

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day in the UK. This is the day that we are supposed to be thankful for our mothers. I am so incredibly thankful and blessed and about a million other words for my mom. She really is the best mom I could ever have. However as a woman who wants to be a mom so bad, Mother's Day is an incredibly hard day.
All day long, I saw moms pushing their babies in prams and adult children going to visit their moms. Since my mom is in the US and I'm in the UK, I didn't have anybody to go visit. That's not what made it so hard though. Watching all those women with their babies walking reminded me of everything I don't have. I don't have a baby to dress up in the clothes I just bought. I don't have a kid who is dependent on me for anything. I don't have a small warm child sleeping in a basket. Although this is an incredibly romanticised version of what it is to be a parent, I don't have that. All I have is an empty womb and an empty room. I have baby clothes that may never be worn and a blanket that may never be used.
Depsite all of this, I have to keep on going. I have to keep applying for jobs. I have to keep cleaning the house. I have to keep exercising . I have to keep living living my life so that when I do have my baby, I can be the mom I truly want to be.
I'm not going to lie though. I did have a break down and cry after watching through the window all the people going by with their children. I cried and G had to comfort me. He always tells me that we'll get there. It's easier to believe him sometimes than to get upset. I had a nice long cry about it though.
So what did G and I do instead of celebrating Mother's Day? After my little break down, we went to Homebase and bought some flowers for the garden and went grocery shopping. It was nice being out and about without all the people and kids. I think I saw only one child the whole time we were shopping. It was very nice.
Also, my tomato seedlings are slowly dying. Anybody have any advice on making my seedlings grow nice and big? Thanks!

What We Bought

Last night, G and I bought the first thing for our baby. You might be thinking that it's a little premature considering we don't even know if we're able to get pregnant. I know G thinks so, but I think otherwise.

I know that one way or another, G and I are going to have a baby. It could be next year or it could be five years from now. Either way, we're going to have a baby to take care of and love. Why spend hundreds of pounds in nine months when I can spread that costs over the next year or so? G begrudgingly admits I have a point. 

So what is it that we bought for our future bundle of joy? It isn't anything super spectacular, but it is definitely something our baby is going to need: clothes. We found a 7-piece set at Asda (the British Walmart) for just £10. I don't know if this is a good deal or not, but it made me even more excited. It has scratch mitts, a hat, a sleeper suit, a top, leggings, a bib, and a babygrow. I think the babygrow is my favorite. It has a grey elephant with a polka dot ear. It says "perfectly little" on it. Our baby is going to be perfectly little. 

I don't know if  G and I will buy something every month. We might buy something only every once in a while. All I know is that, our baby is going to be gorgeous in his or her new clothes. 

I'm so excited though! We're about to go shopping at one of my favourite clothing stores in the UK. They have a baby section there, and I might have to convince G to buy something else for Maybe! 

For those of you reading who already have babies, what was the best way to store baby clothes? Did you wash them right away or did you wait?

For those of you waiting for your definitely baby, have you bought anything yet? Will you wait until you're pregnant or will you try to spread out the cost like we are? 

Until next time,

~Megan

To My Future Baby

A couple of weeks ago, I started a notebook filled with letters to my future baby. I usually try to write in it at least once a week. I even managed to convince G to write a letter to our maybe baby. I've decided to share one of my letters with you.

24 February 2014
To my future baby:
Today you are not even conceived (at least not to your mummy and daddy's knowledge), but you are loved. Your daddy and I pray for you every night. We pray for you to be healthy, smart and kind. We pray that you'll be happy and willing to help other. I pray that you'll have your daddy's pretty blue eyes, and he hopes you get my nose. I also pray that you get my ability to listen.
We have been praying and hoping for you for almost 9.5 months. It's almost unbelievable to me that int he time we're been waiting for you, you could already be here. We try to be patient and confident in God's promise to us, but it is so hard. All I've ever wanted is your daddy and you. The two of you are and will be the most important people in the world to Mummy. I can't wait to meet you, Baby. I look forward to the day that you are in my arms. My heart fill with so much love just thinking about it. I can't wait to sing songs to you. Hopefully, they will be better than the songs I currently sing to your cousin E. I know you've already heard it. I just need to keep the faith you'll be here. Mummy and Daddy hope it's soon.

With all the love in the world,

Mummy

I don't write a lot to Maybe, but I hope that one day Maybe will look back on these letters and realise the he or she was loved even before he or she was conceived. I try to write about things that are going on in our lives. I tell Maybe about the weather, things I hope we can do in the future. I've even written Maybe a letter about something bad that happened. The days I write about are days that Maybe will never experience so I want to capture those days for him or her. Our maybe baby is already such a part of our lives that I want him or her to know about them. In fact, I'm going to write Maybe another letter now telling him or her about G's last doctor's appointment. I'll write about it here soon.

~MEGAN

About Us

Hi! My name is Megan, and I am 26 years old. My husband who will be referred to as G is 36 years old. We have been trying to have a baby for almost a year. Every month that we ttc, we start talking about our "maybe baby." We haven't been blessed with any pregnancies in the last 10 months, but we're hoping to have our "definitely baby" soon.
Recently, G was diagnosed with possible low testosterone. He is going to the doctor next week to have his levels checked. One of the side effect of low testosterone is a low sex drive. As you probably know, this is not a good thing when you're trying to have a baby. He's also being tested for a few other things. When G was about 7 years old, he was diagnosed with rhabdomyosarcoma, a type of cancer, in his inner ear. He underwent both radiotherapy and chemotherapy. Because of the location of the cancer, the radiotherapy may have affected his pituitary gland which affects hormone regulation. Almost 30 years later, and he's still being regularly tested to make sure the cancer doesn't come back. I am so grateful to the NHS for this.
One of the results of his cancer is that we don't know a lot about his abilities to produce children. Since we are so close to the one year mark, his doctor has decided it's time to run some tests to find out. Besides the blood test, G will also have a semen analysis within the next three months which is when his next appointment is due to take place. I, of course, would like for his appointment to be sooner, but I'll take what I can get. Like one of the kids I used to teach said, "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit." We are for sure going back in June to see this doctor though. Based on the tests G is taking, we'll hopefully be that much closer to our definitely baby.
I am being tested for polycystic ovarian syndrome. This condition is marked by irregular cycles. I have only been having this problem since moving to the UK from Texas where I have unfortunately gained some weight. The weight gain may be the cause of the irregular cycles, but I have a feeling that there is more to it than that. In addition to the irregular cycles, I've also been having some unexplained bleeding in between my periods. The sooner we get it all figured out, the better off we'll be.
This is just a little bit of background on our medical issues that might have so far might have been the reasons we haven't gotten pregnant yet. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep this blog updated on everything that's going on with our road to having our first baby.