Annoyances

Not a lot has happened in the last few months, but there are a couple of things that have happened lately that I feel I need to express. They may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but they have really upset me.

I live in England, and one of the most popular channels is the BBC. They recently started showing a new show called In the Club. It's about a group of women who are all pregnant. I feel like the title is exclusionary and doesn't even think about the millions of women who will never get to be or will have difficulties getting "in the club." I haven't watched it, but the basic premise makes me so upset. I refuse to watch it because I'm still hurting from getting the news that I may never have children. I know the BBC isn't intentionally trying to hurt me personally. I just feel it is really insensitive to infertile women.

When I first saw the article in the TV book, I was very upset. I took a pen and scribbled on each of the women's faces. I know it was immature, but I was still dealing with everything. I feel like nobody in my family understands what this is like. My mother-in-law has three boys, the last of which was planned. My oldest sister-in-law got pregnant they first month she tried. My youngest sister-in-law is currently pregnant. It may have taken her two years, but she still got pregnant. My mom had difficulties getting pregnant, but she eventually had two girls. Nobody knows what it is like to be told that your husband is making no sperm, and you're not ovulating.

It hurts my feelings even more when these same people say the most insensitive things. My oldest sister-in-law keeps telling me to get a dog. Whenever I try to talk to her about it, she keeps telling me to get a dog. What good is a dog? I would like to eventually get a dog, but I want a baby more. I want her to be the friend that she was when we first met which was before either of us met our husbands. I feel like she's just brushing me off. I have to listen to all of her stories about her daughter, but I can't share with her that I'm still hurting over the fact that I can't have children, and I probably never will.

I called my mother-in-law yesterday, and she told me stories about my pregnant sister-in-law. Apparently, she's starting to show. I can't say anything though because if I did, it would be rude. I live in England now. I need to perfect my stiff upper lip. At the same time though, I need to be able to tell those closest to me when my feelings have been hurt. I don't want people to hide things from me, but I don't need to be told every last little thing about their children and/or pregnancies.

It's like when P was here. He intentionally avoided telling us anything about N. He was telling J about her, and as soon as I walked up, he stopped. It's the same uncomfortable feeling you get when you walk up to a group of people who were talking about you but then suddenly stop. I felt like screaming, "IT'S OK. YOU CAN TALK ABOUT HER!!!!!!!!!!!" It makes me sad that he felt like he couldn't. He even had a guarded look on his face whenever I would ask a question. She's important to me too. She's my family. I want to know what's going on with her too. It just makes me feel like I'm even more separated from "the club."

I have no idea what to do. Everyone else in my life is growing their families, and I will more than likely not be able to. I have no one who understands, and I feel so alone in this. I have no one to talk to who could remotely understand. What do I do? Most days I can make it through without crying, but every so often, the truth hits me. I will never be "in the club."