What we've been doing

Hi,

So it's been more than a while since I last posted in here. So what's going on with me?

Not a whole lot is the short answer.

We still have no babies. I'm still fat but not quite as much. I have actually managed to lose a grand total of 52 pounds since I last posted in here. Most of which I lost with Weight Watchers. We now qualify for IVF on the NHS, and we were actually referred just before Christmas.

I was reading back through some of my old posts, and I was so naive. That girl still had so much hope and optimism. Now that we are actually where we've been wanting to get to, I'm not sure there is any real joy left. It feels like we've been left shattered by all the hard things life has thrown at us.

The oldest sister in law is pregnant again for the third time. My younger sister in law has two now. The second of which was an accident.

I am really extremely mad at the older sister in law right now too. She thought it was appropriate to announce her third pregnancy through a text while my husband and I were at a wedding! She even started the text saying that she hoped we were enjoying our time in Newcastle. Even if she didn't know we were at a wedding, she knew we were away to enjoy ourselves. She knows all about the journey we've been on too. I told hubby to speak to his brother. It took two weeks and a lot of tears to finally convince him to do it, but he did. Then his brother says to me, "Sorry if it made you sad." If it made me sad?! What did you think was going to happen? I was going to jump up and down in joy that in the time it's taken us to just have the opportunity to have one, you're going to have a third? Not to even mention the fact that I saw his wife have information about pregnancy up on her laptop, and she lied to me about it. Whatever. She's on her own now. I will try to forgive her, but I know I'll never forget what she did.

I know I shouldn't dwell on events in the past. There's nothing I can do to change what's happened. In fact, I know there are better things to come for me because God has promised it. I just have to remember that.

Sorry this is such a negative post. I just wish people who know about our journey would use their heads before speaking or writing. I'm down another friend due to infertility, and I'm ok with that. Remember if someone can't support you on your journey, you don't need them in your life. Yes, it's good to have friends, but you don't need ones that cause you to break down instead of building you back up.

God will lead me where I need to go

Not much has happened since the last time I was here which is probably a good thing. Since the last time I was here, I've read through all of my old posts. Quite a few sounded a bit complain-y. I seem to use this blog as a sounding off point rather than an actual record of what I'm going through. I'm hoping to change that because there is so much I have to be thankful for. I am one of the most blessed people in the world. I may not have children (and may never have any), but there are so many things I do have. I have a wonderful husband who treats me like a princess. A job that gives me spending money and allows me to help pay bills where necessary. I have a house to live in and food in my belly. So what do I really have to complain about? God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams. He has provided for me in so many different ways. Because of Him, I'm where I am today. One day, I know He will give me a baby too for He knows the deepest desires of my heart. I just need to not worry about anything. 

Recently, I joined a group on Facebook for women who want to be mums but haven't yet due to infertility. The group leader reminded me that all I need to is keep the faith and God will lead us where we need to go. It's true. Both of us (the group leader and I) have husbands that were diagnosed with azoospermia as a result of cancer. The other crazy thing is that she's from Texas too! It could only have been God that lead us to each other. She and I are now friends on Facebook as well (she added me). What are the odds of any of this though? Slim I'm sure. 

Now for a quick update. I've restarted on the weight loss. I'm still doing Weight Watchers. My first week back, I lost 1.5kg. This past week I only lost 300 grams. However, my weight did go down and that's what matters the most. That's almost four pounds in just two weeks which is still good. Plus, this is a new week so who knows what will happen. I could lose five pounds. You just never know. The only One that does is God. He will get me where I need to go. 

It'll be worth it in the end

Another birth announcement. Another pregnancy announcement. It seems like my Facebook feed is always just full of people either announcing their pregnancies or announcing the birth of yet another child. I know I should be content in this time of my life. I have so many blessings that other people would dearly love to have, but I still have an aching spot in my heart. I have a desire to become a mom to my own sweet children, but right now it seems like it's never going to happen.

I know I'm partly to blame for this. I know that if I could just lose the weight, I would be able to be referred back to the RE, and I did really try. I saw the weight falling off, and I was so happy about it. Then, I fell off the wagon. One of my dearest friends came to visit from America, and I didn't think one week could do so much damage when I'd been doing so well previously. I didn't think one week could cause me to completely destroy almost all of the hard work I'd been doing, but it did. In just one week, I gained 3kg (~6.5pounds). In one week! I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw that! You would think that this would quickly get me back into the routine of tracking my food with my Weight Watchers app. You'd be so wrong if you did though! It's over a month later, and I have just started tracking again. I do mean just started again. As in, I started tracking some of the things I ate yesterday while not really tracking everything because the chocolate was so good. Oh well. All I can do is try again today. 

Having said that though. On Wednesday, I had gotten up to 106.2kg. When I weighed myself this morning, I was at 105.1 so I have managed to lose some weight this week. Although, my endocrinologist said that it's normal for weight to fluctuate by as much as a kilo each day so it could mean nothing, but it could also mean everything. It means that tomorrow I could be at 104.something or be back up to 106.something. I'm hoping for the first one. 

My hope for this week is to be back at 103.something by Wednesday. If I can do that, I'll be a happy girl because it'll mean that I'm almost back to where I was before my friend came. I'm not blaming her at all because I could've made different choices if I had really wanted to, but I chose not to. I know what foods I shouldn't be eating and which foods I should. I could've chosen to have some chicken and salad instead of the fish and chips I had. I could've chosen to have water when we went out for dinner instead of the three large lemonades I had. Shoot. I could've chosen water instead of the bottle of wine I had one night. Or the two bottles I had by myself to celebrate the 4th of July. I could've made a lot of different choices, but I didn't. I chose to put those things in my body, and now I'm dealing with the repercussions. I don't regret any of it though. I'm happy I got to spend the time with a very good friend. I'm glad I now have some (fuzzy) memories of a great week with an even better friend. 

The weight that I'm at doesn't bother me. If it wasn't for the fact that I can't have IVF at this weight, I probably wouldn't bother with trying to lose weight at all. I just need to keep reminding myself of my goals. I need to keep reminding myself of where I started and where I'm headed. Yes, I may have been at 106.2 yesterday morning, but I'm down a kilo today. I didn't go back to where I started. I have made improvements, and I have to keep improving. So today instead of the hot dogs I'm currently craving, I'll have some egg noodles and vegetables. Tonight, I'll have some chicken and salad. 

I just have to remember that in the end it'll be so worth it when I'm putting up my pregnancy announcement on Facebook. 

After My First Week

I've just finished my first week here on Weight Watchers on Wednesday. A successful week overall. I managed to lost about 3.5 pounds. Not bad considering I haven't lost any weight in almost a year. I'll take it. :)

I'm really enjoying it. I haven't started changing my eating habits too much. I'm eating what I like and trying to stay within my points. I ate quite a few of my weekly points last week but still managed to lose weight so I'm happy. A successful first week, I think.

One of the other things that I'm doing in addition to WW is I'm posting my goals everywhere I might see them. I have a chalkboard in my bedroom with my April goals and long term goals. I also took a picture and made it the wallpaper on my phone. It might seem a bit overkill, but it reminds me why I'm doing this.

My goals for April are:

• Lose 5 pounds
• Have at least £100 left in current account
• Exercise 3 times a week
• Finish advanced training (at work).

My long term goals are:

• Lose 22kg (approx. 50 pounds)
• Save enough money for my visa (I'm American now living in the UK; husband is British)
• Control my shopping habit (definitely going to try to have shopping as a reward rather than all the time; difficult since I work in a shop)
• Love my husband more.

Some of them may seem silly or pointless, but they are mine. I'm determined to meet all of them. They may not happen as soon as I would hope, but I know they're all achievable.

I also got a Fitbit so hopefully that will help encourage me to meet one of my goals and also get me more active in general. I'm going to pick it up at the post office today before getting my hair cut. I'm not sure what my goal is going to be everyday. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. :)

I hope everyone's week is going great!

Changes are Coming

Well, my oldest sister in law just announced that she's pregnant with her second baby. I'm still trying to figure out how this makes me feel. I'm not even sure if I really am happy for her or not. All I know is that it doesn't seem fair. She's overweight like I am. Our husbands are brothers. There's not much different between our situations except she can have children, and I apparently never will.

It makes me feel mad and bitter and that things just aren't fair. I know life isn't fair. I know that things suck from time to time for everybody, but her life just seems so charmed. She never had issues getting into England despite being American too. She's never had issues getting pregnant. She didn't struggle to get a job after moving here. I had so many problems trying to visit my now husband. She overstayed her visa and was still allowed to come in for two more weeks. I'd only been here for two months, and the border control people almost didn't let me in. She got pregnant on the very first try with her first. My husband and I have been trying for about two years and nothing. She got a job the first month she got here. It took me two years to get a job, and it's only part time.

Now she's pregnant with her second, and it's just so not fair. I really wish I could go back to America. At least then, I'd have my family around me. I'd have the support from them to get through this tough time. Best of all, I'd never have to see either of my sisters-in-law pregnant again.

It might be time for my husband and I to reconsider our situation. I know I need to lose weight in order to get IUI or IVF on the NHS. I know things are going to have to change. Hopefully, I've started to make those changes. The dietician's plan ended up not working for me so I have now joined Weight Watchers. I'm also trying to figure out which Fitbit to get. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. I also found a Zumba class in town on Mondays and Thursdays that I want to join.

My goal is that by the time my sister in law has this baby, I will be on my way to having my own. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. I feel more committed now than ever before. My determination has reawakened, and it's going to happen. I know there are people on my side, and I have faith in myself. I know it's going to happen this year!

Exciting News!

It seems like I'm always saying sorry for not keeping y'all updated. I'm so sorry, but I can't promise that I'll get any better. There wasn't much to update you about anyway, but I do have some exciting news now!

At Gareth's appointment before we went to America back in July, we were told that we should expect a letter from a fertility clinic while we were gone. We didn't receive it so we told his endocrinologist at his last appointment. He said to call if we didn't hear anything in a month. G and I decided that we would wait until the end of October before calling and finding out more. Well, we didn't have to wait that long! Last week we received our letter, and we'll be going to the fertility clinic to find out more about having a baby!  We were supposed to go today, but G couldn't justify taking that much time off since he took last Friday off and yesterday morning for personal reasons. He was able to reschedule it for 6 November! I'm so excited, and I can't wait to find out what Dr. G (the doctor at the clinic) has to say. Dr. S was optimistic, and I hope that Dr. G will be just as optimistic.

I'll try to remember what happens as much as possible. I don't know if anything actually reads this, but I'd love to help anyone out that does. Wish us luck with out appointment!

 Lots of baby dust to all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Annoyances

Not a lot has happened in the last few months, but there are a couple of things that have happened lately that I feel I need to express. They may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but they have really upset me.

I live in England, and one of the most popular channels is the BBC. They recently started showing a new show called In the Club. It's about a group of women who are all pregnant. I feel like the title is exclusionary and doesn't even think about the millions of women who will never get to be or will have difficulties getting "in the club." I haven't watched it, but the basic premise makes me so upset. I refuse to watch it because I'm still hurting from getting the news that I may never have children. I know the BBC isn't intentionally trying to hurt me personally. I just feel it is really insensitive to infertile women.

When I first saw the article in the TV book, I was very upset. I took a pen and scribbled on each of the women's faces. I know it was immature, but I was still dealing with everything. I feel like nobody in my family understands what this is like. My mother-in-law has three boys, the last of which was planned. My oldest sister-in-law got pregnant they first month she tried. My youngest sister-in-law is currently pregnant. It may have taken her two years, but she still got pregnant. My mom had difficulties getting pregnant, but she eventually had two girls. Nobody knows what it is like to be told that your husband is making no sperm, and you're not ovulating.

It hurts my feelings even more when these same people say the most insensitive things. My oldest sister-in-law keeps telling me to get a dog. Whenever I try to talk to her about it, she keeps telling me to get a dog. What good is a dog? I would like to eventually get a dog, but I want a baby more. I want her to be the friend that she was when we first met which was before either of us met our husbands. I feel like she's just brushing me off. I have to listen to all of her stories about her daughter, but I can't share with her that I'm still hurting over the fact that I can't have children, and I probably never will.

I called my mother-in-law yesterday, and she told me stories about my pregnant sister-in-law. Apparently, she's starting to show. I can't say anything though because if I did, it would be rude. I live in England now. I need to perfect my stiff upper lip. At the same time though, I need to be able to tell those closest to me when my feelings have been hurt. I don't want people to hide things from me, but I don't need to be told every last little thing about their children and/or pregnancies.

It's like when P was here. He intentionally avoided telling us anything about N. He was telling J about her, and as soon as I walked up, he stopped. It's the same uncomfortable feeling you get when you walk up to a group of people who were talking about you but then suddenly stop. I felt like screaming, "IT'S OK. YOU CAN TALK ABOUT HER!!!!!!!!!!!" It makes me sad that he felt like he couldn't. He even had a guarded look on his face whenever I would ask a question. She's important to me too. She's my family. I want to know what's going on with her too. It just makes me feel like I'm even more separated from "the club."

I have no idea what to do. Everyone else in my life is growing their families, and I will more than likely not be able to. I have no one who understands, and I feel so alone in this. I have no one to talk to who could remotely understand. What do I do? Most days I can make it through without crying, but every so often, the truth hits me. I will never be "in the club."